


I've been through this hell, enough to know me well

by UpAtMidnight



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Shoni being soft, a collection of one shots, i'll add more tags as i add more chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29010243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpAtMidnight/pseuds/UpAtMidnight
Summary: Basically, this is going to be just a collection of one shots for The Wilds that I'll add to over time. All the chapters will act as their own stand alone fic, I just want to have them in the one place. Some will be canon, some won't, it depends.
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 11
Kudos: 151





	1. You don’t have to hide your pain

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a prompt I got from @lived-ever-after on Tumblr so big thanks to them!  
> Prompt: Shelby gets upset (Maybe spending too much time in her head thinking about how her family will react when they find out about her or maybe just because she’s had a long day). When one of the other girls tries to comfort her, she ends up asking if they can go bring Toni to her instead. (The girls are confused but do as she asks, but when they see how sweet Toni is and how Shelby finally smiles, it makes sense).
> 
> Content warning; There's a mention of a panic attack in this one
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading!

Shelby knew the day was coming up, she knew with each passing day it grew closer and closer to Becca’s birthday, the day she was supposed to turn eighteen. When they were younger Shelby and Becca would plan out all of their birthdays together. When Shelby turned fifteen, Becca showed up to her house that morning blasting ‘Fifteen’ by Taylor Swift. When Becca had turned sixteen, Shelby was the first one she took out for a drive. When Becca turned seventeen, Shelby pulled up outside her house playing ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA through her car speakers. For Becca’s eighteenth, herself and Shelby had planned out a huge party and then a weekend beach trip.

But now instead of setting up a party and packing for a beach trip, Shelby was trying to survive while being stranded on a desert island in the middle of fucking nowhere. Not exactly the beach trip she had in mind.

Nora, who had been keeping track of the dates in her notebook, had informed Shelby that it was July 10th when she asked. July 10th, which meant it was two days until Becca’s eighteenth birthday. Shelby could feel herself getting lost in her own thoughts more and more often as the day approached. Rather than troubling the rest of the girls with her thoughts, she opted to go for long hikes and walks during the day or to sit by the waterfall, where the sound of the water would drown out her own thoughts. 

On July 11th, Shelby was sitting on the washed up recliner from the plane while the rest of the girls were down at the waterfall, cleaning themselves up. She hadn’t noticed anyone had returned until Toni was standing right in front of her.

“You okay Shelbs? You’ve been kinda distant.” Toni moved forward and sat down on the recliner beside Shelby.

“Yeah, just been thinking.” Shelby sighed, dropping her head on Toni’s shoulder and taking her hand in her own.

“Wanna talk about it?” Toni questioned, concerned for the blonde.

“Not really, if that’s okay.” Shelby replied, closing her eyes and enjoying the comfort of having the girl beside her.

“Of course.” Toni said, wrapping her arm around the blonde’s shoulders.

Shelby had barely managed to sleep through the night and kept to herself as the rest of the girls were waking up on the morning of the 12th. She said a quiet prayer for Becca when she woke up and went off for a hike. 

By the time she had returned to the beach, the sun had risen fully and some of the girls were lounging around on the sand. She joined them and listened in on the conversation.

“I mean if I was European, I would be out in the clubs getting as drunk as I could as soon as I turned eighteen, no question about it.” Fatin said, answering a question from Rachel that Shelby had missed. She could make an assumption as to what it had been though. Fatin turned to the blonde when she noticed she had returned.

“What about you Shelby? You got any big plans for when you turn eighteen?”

Shelby froze at the question, her mind immediately thinking of Becca.

“I um, no. Not really.” Before Shelby could stop herself, tears started flowing down her cheeks.

“Woah Shelby, you okay?” Fatin’s smile dropped at the sight of the crying.

Shelby couldn’t respond, there was a tight feeling growing in her chest as more tears started flowing. Her mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of Becca and the last time they talked to each other. She gasped for air, trying to calm herself, but it felt like the air was leaving her lungs faster than it was entering. 

“Hey girl, breathe, just breathe.” Fatin moved in front of Shelby, trying to make eye contact with her while Rachel and Leah looked at the girl with concern.

“I can’t, I just, I can’t.” Shelby gasped out, digging her hands into the sand in front of her.

“What do you need? What helps?” Leah asked as she approached Shelby, seeing how she was falling towards a panic attack.

Shelby looked at her surroundings frantically when her eyes landed on Toni who was sitting by the shore, watching the waves.

“Toni.” She said quietly, breathing sharply.

“Um, Toni? Are you sure?” Leah questioned, not sure if she had the girl correctly. Shelby nodded her head rapidly and listened as Rachel called out for Toni. She sat there begging for her own tears to stop and for her breath to even out. After less than a minute, Toni was running up the beach and sitting down in front of Shelby.

“Shelbs? Hey, what’s happening? Talk to me.” 

“Can’t.” Shelby gasped out, the pressure in her chest tightening even further. Toni moved forward and gently cupped Shelby’s face with her hands.

“Okay, just try to breathe with me. In and out, nice and slow.” Toni counted each inhale and exhale for Shelby, leaning in and pressing her forehead against the blonde’s. After a few minutes of stuttered breaths, Shelby felt the pressure in her chest easing slightly.

“You’re doing so good, so good Shelbs. I’m so proud of you.” Toni said softly, rubbing her thumbs across Shelby’s cheeks.

As Toni calmed Shelby down, Dot returned with firewood to see Toni and Shelby with their foreheads pressed against each other. She joined the rest of the girls who were gathered together, watching the situation play out in front of them.

“What the fuck is happening? I thought they hated each other.” She asked before receiving a light thump on the arm from Fatin.

“Shut up Dorothy, let’s see how this plays out.” Fatin whispered, returning her attention to the two girls on the sand.

Toni glanced behind her to see the rest of the girls watching herself and Shelby as if they were an exhibit at the zoo.

“Can we get some fucking privacy or is that impossible you with you fuckers?” Toni said angrily, knowing how much Shelby hated being vulnerable around others. The girls quickly disappeared further down the beach, none of them wanting to get on Toni’s bad side. Toni turned her attention back to the girl in front of her, who had finally gotten her breathing under control.

“There she is.” She smiled softly at Shelby when she noticed how she was no longer gasping for air and shaking in her arms. “What’s going on in that head of yours blondie?” Toni asked as she moved to sit down properly next to Shelby.

“I told you about Becca right? Well today was supposed to be her eighteenth birthday and Fatin and Rachel were talking about eighteenth birthdays and I guess I just, I couldn’t handle it.”

“Shit Shelbs, I’m so sorry.”

“I just miss her so much Toni.” Shelby cried, her tears starting again. She dropped her head to Toni’s shoulder and Toni took a hold of her hand. As Shelby cried, she explained the plans she had made with Becca for her eighteenth. Toni listened carefully, letting Shelby get all of her emotions she had been bottling up, out of her system. After a few minutes, Shelby wiped her eyes and sat up.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so upset about something so simple.” 

“Hey no, you do not have to apologise.” Toni began, “It’s okay to let yourself cry and to let yourself feel Shelbs. Hell, you’ve taught me a lot about that during our time here.” Toni turned so she was looking directly at Shelby. “You’re allowed to miss her Shelby, you don’t have to hide your pain. Not for me or any of the other girls here, you’re allowed to miss her Shelbs.” Shelby smiled softly at the brunette in front of her, in awe of how easily Toni could calm the fears and pain inside of her chest.

“I mean, I know I don’t know a whole lot about heaven or God or anything like that, and I know I never met Becca but, I bet she’s happy up there. Laying on her own tropical beach, drinking as many mocktails and cocktails a girl could want.” Toni said, looking up at the clouds. Shelby followed her gaze before speaking.

“I really hope so.”

Later that evening, the rest of the girls sat around the fire while they watched Toni and Shelby walking along the shore together as the sun set behind them. Toni was walking in the water and kicked some of it at Shelby to which she yelped in response, but quickly fell in step beside the brunette, taking her hand and lacing their fingers together.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Toni this calm and relaxed in all the years I’ve known her.” Martha commented, smiling at the sight of her best friend being so care free.

“Shelby’s good for her, and she’s good for Shelby.” Dot said.

“Agreed. I mean the way Toni could calm her down today, they’ve got something good with each other.” Fatin added.

Toni and Shelby didn’t return to the camp until late in the night when the rest of the girls were asleep and the fire was low. The two lay down together and Shelby curled into Toni’s side, resting her head on her chest. She listened to the sound of Toni’s heartbeat as she relaxed for the night. As she lay there, Shelby thought of Becca and all of the good memories they had created over the years. She thanked God for Becca and for keeping her safe up in heaven. Before she fell asleep, she thanked God for Toni, who was keeping her safe down on the island and who she hoped would be able to continue keeping her safe if they ever got off the island.


	2. I'm sick of listening to them talk shit about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another prompt from @lived-ever-after: All the girls keep making mean remarks about Shelby being homophobic (as jokes) to Toni thinking she’ll find it funny. Toni finally has enough and blows up at everyone until Shelby comes over and calms her down straight away. Finally shutting everyone up by kissing Toni in front of everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this one a lot, it was different but fun.  
> Hope you enjoy!

The comments from the rest of the girls had started after Shelby voiced her opinion on Toni's sexuality, the day of the mussels incident. They made sure Toni didn't have to be alone with Shelby for too long, never pairing them up to go looking for food or firewood. One of the girls would give Toni a caring look before throwing dagger eyes at Shelby. Or sometimes it would be a caring touch of the arm as one of the girls passed by Toni and Shelby, letting Toni know they had her back.

Honestly, Toni was glad for it at the beginning. She had dealt with enough homophobia and bullshit in her life, the last thing she wanted was to have to deal with it on a deserted island. She even voiced her concern to Martha over the fire one night.

But once Shelby had kissed her in the forest, Toni's views started to shift. The homophobia and the fighting all made sense. Shelby wasn't fighting her because she was homophobic, she was fighting her so she didn't have to confront her own feelings. 

Toni quickly learnt just how hard it was for Shelby to accept that part of herself as she spent more time with the blonde, letting the girl be open and honest with her. She wasn't ready to show her true self to the rest of the world, and that was okay, Toni would stick by her every step of the way.

The only problem was that without the girls being aware of Shelby’s actual views and her feelings, the comments on Shelby's homophobia continued. As time went on, the girls became less hostile about it, often just making jokes at Shelby’s expense. Although they were said as jokes, Shelby herself had expressed one night as she lay tucked into Toni's side under the stars, while the rest of the group slept a few feet away by the fire, how much the remarks from the rest of the girls were getting to her. Toni had assured her that the girls were only wanting to protect her, and that she knew Shelby didn't truly feel any hatred towards her. Especially after all the time they had spent together.

One afternoon, Fatin had been talking about one of her many nights she had spent with a boy after a party. Toni had joined in on the conversation, talking about a particularly eventful night she had with a girl a few months back, although not going into quite as much detail as Fatin had been, when Shelby started walking over to join them.

"Uh oh might wanna stop there Toni, don't want to upset a certain someone." Fatin had said loud enough for Shelby to hear it. Toni watched as Shelby sat down beside her with a tight smile on her face that didn't quite reach her eyes, and dug her hands into the sand below her. 

Another evening, Toni had come back from cleaning the clothes at the waterfall and started laying them out on some driftwood to let them dry. She picked up Dot's cargo pants from the pile and started lying them out before Dot made a joke.

"Hey Toni, don't let Shelby see you with those cargo pants, she might just have a heart attack at how gay the whole scene looks." Something inside Toni snapped finally, after having enough with listening to the comments about Shelby, about the girl she had come to like more than she could possibly articulate.

"Will you ever shut the fuck up?" Toni turned abruptly to look at the rest of the girls who were sitting around the fire. 

“Woah dude I was just joking, you know that.” Dot said, eyes wide at Toni’s outburst.

"I mean, all of you. Will you guys just stop fucking talking about Shelby like that. I mean she's not, she's not fucking like that okay." Toni could feel the anger rising in her chest and she willed for her hands not to pick something up from below her and throw it in the direction of the group, so she kept them glued to her sides, clenching them tightly. As if Shelby could read her mind, she walked over to her and took her hands in her own, gently prying her fist open and rubbing patterns across Toni’s hands with her thumbs.

"Toni, it's okay."

"No it's not fucking okay Shelbs, they have it all wrong. And I'm sick of listening to them talk shit about you. They don’t know what they’re fucking talking about."

"Toni, look at me." Toni let her eyes drift up to see a soft look on Shelby's face, one that lay a blanket of serenity over the anger that had been building inside of her. Before she could respond, Shelby leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her lips. She stopped a moment before cupping Toni's face with her hands and deepening the kiss. A soft noise came from the back of Toni’s throat as she let her hands sit gently on Shelby’s waist. She vaguely heard Rachel exclaiming "oh shit" in the background but her mind was consumed by Shelby. She let her mind calm and focus on the feel of Shelby’s lips on her own and the way her hands cupped her face.

After a minute or so, Shelby pulled back and looked into Toni's eyes.

"Better?" She asked tentatively, the reality of the situation starting to catch up with her.

"Better." Toni confirmed. 

They turned around to see the rest of the girls watching them, mouths open in shock. Fatin was first to clear her throat and speak,

"Well about fucking time." 

Dot looked at her and scoffed,

"Wait you knew?"

"Oh please, I know sexual tension when I see it, Dorothy."

Shelby turned and gave Toni a small nod before leading her back to the group, never letting go of her hand as the two of them sat down on the sand. 


	3. I don’t want this to not be real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night where Leah is awake with a million thoughts going through her head, and Fatin is there to comfort her
> 
> Takes place about a year after the island

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, I wanted there to be more Leah/Fatin fics out there and I thought of this a few nights ago so, enjoy!
> 
> Talks about mental stuff and anxiety in this one, just as a warning for anyone who may need it.

Fatin woke up to find the space beside her in bed empty, with the lamp on the nightstand casting a soft yellow glow through the room. She looked at her alarm clock to find it was only 3am and was slightly concerned that Leah wasn’t asleep with her arms around Fatin, or tucked into Fatin’s side, the way the two fell asleep together every night. She turned over and saw no light coming out from underneath the bathroom door, so she decided to get up from bed and she made her way towards the living room, in search of her girlfriend. 

Fatin entered the living room to find Leah curled up on the couch with a book in her hand, while picking at her eyebrow with the other hand. If anyone else were to enter the room, they would assume Leah had stayed up late reading, not noticing the time going by. But Fatin knew different, she recognised how Leah’s eyes were focused on one spot in her book, not scanning the page quickly while reading, and how her eyebrows were close together, her face tight while a thought plagued her mind. Fatin knew something was wrong. 

Leah had yet to notice Fatin’s presence in the room so Fatin cleared her throat while walking over to the couch, careful not to startle the girl.

“Oh, hi.” Leah said quietly upon noticing the darker girl standing beside her, looking up at her with sad eyes.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Fatin asked, as she sat down on the couch.

“No, didn’t want to bother you so thought I’d read out here for a bit.”

“You never bother me. Was it a nightmare?” Fatin asked cautiously. Leah shook her head, looking back down at her book.

“I haven’t slept yet.”

“Oh baby I’m sorry.” Fatin said with worry. She moved closer to the girl before asking,

“Would it be okay if I held you?” Fatin knew that Leah needed either a lot of physical touch when anxious or nothing at all, so she always made sure to ask beforehand.

Leah nodded her head in response, closing the book in her lap and placing it on the coffee table in front of the couch. Fatin maneuvered herself so she was sitting behind Leah, letting her legs rest on either side of Leah's, while wrapping her arms around her as the girl leant back against her chest. She gently put her hand on Leah’s hand that was still picking at her eyebrow, and laced their fingers together before resting her hand in her lap.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Fatin was always careful not to push Leah to open up, if she felt pressured she would close in on herself even more. It had to be her decision to share her thoughts. Leah took a deep breath and shook her head,

“I just, there’s so much happening in my brain I don’t know how to, I don’t know what makes sense, Fatin. I don’t know how to talk about it.”

“That’s okay baby. We can just sit here.” Fatin placed a kiss on Leah’s head. 

The two girls sat there in silence and after a few minutes Fatin felt Leah quickly squeeze her hand three times. Fatin tapped the back of her hand with her thumb three times in response. It was a system the two girls had started to use at the beginning of their relationship and had continued to use it throughout. In the moments where words felt like too much for either girl, three taps or squeezes were a way for one to say ‘I love you’, to the other. It also helped to ground both girls, having that physical comfort.

After some time had passed, Fatin noticed how Leah’s grip on her hand had tightened and her other hand was messing with the hem of her pajama shirt, another telltale sign of the anxiety in Leah’s mind. Fatin placed another kiss on top of Leah’s head, whispering “you’re okay baby, I’ve got you.” as she pulled the girl closer to her chest. 

Not long after, Leah let go of her hand and stood up from the couch suddenly and started pacing up and down the living room, while her hand reached for her eyebrow.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Fatin sat up, concerned for her girlfriend.

“I- is this real? Like everything, is it real? Are we, are we real?” Leah croaked out, tears starting to fall from her eyes.

“This is real, we’re real, all of it. I promise Leah.” Fatin said, standing up from the couch and moving slowly towards the other girl, reaching for her hands.

“It’s just, all night my mind has been telling me that none of this is real. That I’m going to wake up and be back on the island or in the bunker.” Leah stopped and took in a sharp breath, “Or just alone. I don’t want this to not be real.” She breathed out, her voice shaky.

“Leah, look at me. I promise this is real. We’re in LA right now, it’s around 3:30am and we’re standing in our living room, in our apartment.” Fatin watched as the girl in front of her closed her eyes and took a sharp intake of air. She stepped closer to her, hoping her presence would help her.

“You and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year now and living together for 11 months. You’re not going to wake up on the island. You’re safe, I’m safe, everyone is safe.”

Leah shook her head, the noise in her head clearly becoming too much for her. Fatin lifted one of Leah’s hands and placed her palm on her own chest.

“You feel this?” 

Leah nodded slowly.

“That’s my heartbeat, I’m right here.” She moved her hand to rest on Leah’s chest.

“And I can feel your heartbeat right now, which means you’re here with me. This is all real. We’re okay. You’re okay.”

“Your heartbeat.” Leah slowly muttered. She leaned forward and rested her forehead against Fatin’s.

“Promise this is real?” Leah asked quietly.

“I promise. I wouldn’t lie about this, you know me, brutally honest.” Fatin was glad to hear a giggle come from Leah upon hearing her statement. Leah opened her eyes and Fatin wiped away a falling tear for her. Leah tilted her head slightly and placed a soft kiss on Fatin’s lips, as if she would disappear if she moved too suddenly.

“Thank you.” She breathed against her lips before kissing her again.

“Of course baby, always.” Fatin smiled. “How about we go back to bed? If you can’t sleep that’s okay, we can just lie in bed.”

“That sounds good.” 

Leah let Fatin lead her back to bed, not letting go of her hand until they were back in their bedroom. Fatin heard Leah whisper a quiet ‘our bed’ as she joined Fatin in bed, reminding herself that it was real.

Leah lay her head on Fatin’s chest and Fatin held her close, running her hand through her girlfriend’s hair. 

“I love you Fatin.” Leah said, closing her eyes as she relaxed more against her.

“I love you too Leah.” 

Fatin stayed awake for the hour it took Leah to fall asleep. She kept the lamp on the nightstand on, in the case of a nightmare waking either of them, they’d have the light as a comfort. Fatin looked at the girl asleep in her arms and placed a soft kiss on her forehead before allowing herself to be pulled back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to send me prompts on Tumblr at http://upatmidnightstuff.tumblr.com/ or post them in the comments!  
> I'm happy to write most things except for smut, that's not really my vibe.
> 
> Let me know what you thought!


End file.
